EXPLORE GAY SEXUALITY AT THE AGE OF 25

Hallo Project,

I’m a 25 y. o. guy. I came to U.S. few months ago in order to reach my goal and get specialized in high energy physics. I came from Eastern Europe and I was used to speak English during my university training. I think my English could sound very strange to native English speakers. I’m sorry, I don’t speak Italian al all. I got in touch with Gay Project only reading the English blog “Not only gay”. I got there by chance searching for “Maurice” the novel by Forster on Google. At that time I was searching for novels to read in English in order to improve my reading and my vocabulary. Well, that’s why I got in touch with your blog. Clearly I like better improve my English reading gay novels because I’m gay. On “Not only gay” I got your novel “Only seven days”, something that troubled me deeply. In my home country I had an excellent education at all but I missed the very essential thing. Basically I was forced to deal alone with my homosexuality, because I’ve never had anyone to talk seriously about these things. Up to 24 y. o., I simply removed the problem and I pretended that there wasn’t any problem. I was always studying, I had to think of anything else and so I walked away from the idea of being gay, or rather I was trying to convince myself more and more to be straight. In my country I had a girlfriend and I told her again and again that we could not get married because I would have gone abroad to study and she would not have been able to follow.

I now begin to understand that in fact my desire to go to study abroad was largely due to the idea to get away from her. She is a girl that I admire but I don’t love. I think if I get the chance, I’ll stay to live in the U.S.. For the moment I still have much to study and study hard. But I’m starting to open my eyes about myself and about life that I have done until now. I do not like pornography, I’d really like to talk about homosexuality in a serious way. As I told you I do not speak Italian but I tried to read the English translation of your posts through Google translator, it’s not the best but at least I could follow your arguments.

Well, now you understand how I came up with “gay project”. I have many things to ask, but first I must tell you a little about me. Basically my sexuality was just straight up to 23. I tell you “basically”, because I had a girl and had normal sexual intercourse with her but also, despite everything, I was still attracted to guys, I did not want to accept it, but it was so. I have come to deny even the most obvious things, even my sexual desire, I have completely removed the masturbation because my fantasies ran toward the boys and I could not accept such a thing. I was taught that sex was a bad thing, dirty, ugly, and I could not think otherwise. I read that many guys have lived similar things and I found myself in some of your posts.

Now I’m slowly discovering my sexuality but everything remains at the level of masturbation, I do not think in any case I could have sexual intercourse with a boy, it’s as if his physical contact disgusts me. And then there’s the other big problem, I have never been in love with a guy, with the girls I am comfortable with the guys I feel deeply uncomfortable and I cannot see a boy as a love object but only as an object of sexual interest. I do not know if this situation may change over time, but now I’m 25 and I fear that things will not change. I have few friends here in the U.S., I have colleagues who are very serious people, but they are all straight, or so it seems, and I don’t think I could talk freely with them of my things. What can I expect from the future? just study and never affective and sexual life? Now I’m working hard to specialize and to find work as soon as possible but I also want to start living my life from other points of view. I see that others live their lives peacefully, but I think I have only to study because I cannot live things I still dream. When I go to bed I dream of hugging a guy, a guy who was my boyfriend, but I have no boyfriend and dreams remain dreams. I don’t want to start looking for a guy here, don’t even know the language well and outside the university I still feel like a foreigner.

I think you understood my problem well enough, if you can, answer me in private. If you want, publish this email as well, but if you can, try to answer me by mail.

A hug.  B. K.

___________

If you like, you can comment this post in the Gay Project Forum:

http://progettogayforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=975&start=0

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